Pretty much everyone knows that Billy Clyde doesn't pay attention to presidential politics until it really counts.
I usually check in -- briefly -- about mid-November. Then do another look-see in early December. I give the race my full attention during breakfast on my birthday (December 19th; six days before Jesus!; shop early and often!; 39 years old again!) and send out the BC preliminary analysis to my old spy friends and party apparatchicks in the former Soviet Union.
The tried and trued evaluation meter has to be recalibrated after today's somewhat shocking news that Rudy Giuliani, a former U.S. Attorney, and Hillary Rodham, a former corporate lawyer in Little Rock, have both dropped out of the race. Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney, John Edwards and some guy name Barack Obama quickly followed suit. Bill Miller, who was Barry Goldwater's runningmate in 1964, and former vice president Walter Mondale jumped into the race to fill the void.
But of course you knew all that. You have radio.
It's a little premature to make any kind of formal announcement. But Billy Clyde just might enter the fray. First things first, though. Gotta figure out if I'm "natural born". Heard something as a kid about a C-section, but that could just be my imagination playing tricks on me. I'm pretty certain, however, that I am not the product of an immaculate conception. So I got that going for me.
A Democrat has a chance of winning in 2008. Maybe Oprah? A moderate Republican like Claytie Williams also looks good. But I have something that Oprah and Claytie don't: a poorly thought-out 10-point plan.
1) Blackjack will be proclaimed the Official National Gaming Sport. Also, dealers must hit hard 17s, 18s, and 19s.
2) The Bush Twins, who have White House experience, will be my unofficial First Ladies.
3) Every member of the Texas House (except Leo Berman, Roberto Alonzo, and Linda Harper-Brown) gets a high-ranking federal post -- if they want one.
4) Through a untried yet true use of the Presidential Signing Statement, I shall grant the Houston Astros the unchallenged right to one player on every other MLB team.
5) O.J. Simpson gets a blanket pardon. I mean, he was found Not Guilty of decapitating his wife and killing her boy toy. Now they want to give him life in prison because of an ownership question about signed footballs. Enough's enough.
6) The United Nations will not get a nickel of U.S. taxpayer money unless the headquarters is moved to Huntsville, Texas, USA.
7) Congresswomanperson Mary Bono, who is marrying Congressman Connie Mack The Junior, will be in my Cabinet. But I won't go skiing with her.
8) The White House speech-writing office will bust the union strike and go to work for the Late Show With David Letterman show -- but only if Ralph Hall is the permanent host.
9) War with Iran will be a top priority. No more messin' around.
10) Your Federal Government will insist that Bird Flu be eradicated by 2025.
Ambitious? Populist? Self-Serving? Yes Yes Yes. Early polling shows this platform enjoying overwhelming support amongst men in the the critical 31-32 age bracket and women who are 43 but claim they are 38. That gives Billy Clyde a huge-ass lead over other supposed frontrunners like Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinch.
So the wannabes of 2008 will just have to wait. This is mine, baby. If I want it.
I usually check in -- briefly -- about mid-November. Then do another look-see in early December. I give the race my full attention during breakfast on my birthday (December 19th; six days before Jesus!; shop early and often!; 39 years old again!) and send out the BC preliminary analysis to my old spy friends and party apparatchicks in the former Soviet Union.
The tried and trued evaluation meter has to be recalibrated after today's somewhat shocking news that Rudy Giuliani, a former U.S. Attorney, and Hillary Rodham, a former corporate lawyer in Little Rock, have both dropped out of the race. Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney, John Edwards and some guy name Barack Obama quickly followed suit. Bill Miller, who was Barry Goldwater's runningmate in 1964, and former vice president Walter Mondale jumped into the race to fill the void.
But of course you knew all that. You have radio.
It's a little premature to make any kind of formal announcement. But Billy Clyde just might enter the fray. First things first, though. Gotta figure out if I'm "natural born". Heard something as a kid about a C-section, but that could just be my imagination playing tricks on me. I'm pretty certain, however, that I am not the product of an immaculate conception. So I got that going for me.
A Democrat has a chance of winning in 2008. Maybe Oprah? A moderate Republican like Claytie Williams also looks good. But I have something that Oprah and Claytie don't: a poorly thought-out 10-point plan.
1) Blackjack will be proclaimed the Official National Gaming Sport. Also, dealers must hit hard 17s, 18s, and 19s.
2) The Bush Twins, who have White House experience, will be my unofficial First Ladies.
3) Every member of the Texas House (except Leo Berman, Roberto Alonzo, and Linda Harper-Brown) gets a high-ranking federal post -- if they want one.
4) Through a untried yet true use of the Presidential Signing Statement, I shall grant the Houston Astros the unchallenged right to one player on every other MLB team.
5) O.J. Simpson gets a blanket pardon. I mean, he was found Not Guilty of decapitating his wife and killing her boy toy. Now they want to give him life in prison because of an ownership question about signed footballs. Enough's enough.
6) The United Nations will not get a nickel of U.S. taxpayer money unless the headquarters is moved to Huntsville, Texas, USA.
7) Congresswomanperson Mary Bono, who is marrying Congressman Connie Mack The Junior, will be in my Cabinet. But I won't go skiing with her.
8) The White House speech-writing office will bust the union strike and go to work for the Late Show With David Letterman show -- but only if Ralph Hall is the permanent host.
9) War with Iran will be a top priority. No more messin' around.
10) Your Federal Government will insist that Bird Flu be eradicated by 2025.
Ambitious? Populist? Self-Serving? Yes Yes Yes. Early polling shows this platform enjoying overwhelming support amongst men in the the critical 31-32 age bracket and women who are 43 but claim they are 38. That gives Billy Clyde a huge-ass lead over other supposed frontrunners like Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinch.
So the wannabes of 2008 will just have to wait. This is mine, baby. If I want it.
1 comment:
I'll vote for you on the strength of poorly-thought-out point number 4 alone. That would make me forget about some silly ol' war under point number 9.
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