MSNBC TRANSCRIPT
POST DEBATE INTERVIEW WITH BILLY CLYDE
POST DEBATE INTERVIEW WITH BILLY CLYDE
Tom Brokaw: First, welcome to the 2008 Presidential contest. Your quixotic yet ultimately successful bid to get on Florida's ballot and all the remaining states shows, if nothing else, a sheer ...
Billy Clyde: Dude, do I get to talk? Why do you guys get eight minutes to ask questions and the people actually running get 15 seconds?
TB: Fair enough. The obvious question that has perplexed our viewers, and certainly one that those of us in the media have pondered at considerable ...
BC: What?!
TB: Okay, since you learned that you qualified for the ballot this afternoon, why didn't you join your fellow contestants on stage?
BC: Three reasons. You guys been reporting all week that I didn't get me enough signatures. Two ...
TB: Let's concentrate on that puzzle first. Have you solved the mystery of how the Secretary of State, who expressed not only to those who hosted this historic event here at the tradition-rich ...
BC: Why don't you just interview yourself?
TB: What happened?
BC: Seems like just an honest mistake. This lady, I think her name is Linda, forget to carry the one when she added the five and the other five in the final column. She personally called to say she was sorry.
Chris Matthews: HA! That reminds me of the 1976 primary when I was monitoring the Philly suburbs for the Carter campaign, and a box came in that ...
BC: Is your mic not working? Stop yelling at me.
TB: Please continue, Billy Clyde. We'll give you all the time you need. And Chris, we've been over this before. Please stop yelling.
BC: Alright, like I was trying to tell you. Since Linda made a math error and y'all reported as fact all week that I was toast, I didn't pack a suit. Plus that producer weenie said they were out of podiums.
Brian Williams: The focus of previous debates has been foreign policy and national security. Tonight it shifted to the economy and taxes. Assuming the math error had been corrected sooner, you had packed a suit, and there was a spare podium, how would you have responded?
BC: I would turned my head to the right, then turned it to the left -- unless I got stuck at the far end, then I woulda only needed to turn my head one way -- and told my worthy opponents that those are the dumbest ideas I've ever heard in my life. Just pure, 100-percent, unadulterated crapola.
BW: Care to critique their remarks and compare them to yours?
BC: Sure would.
McCain said about ten times he wanted to make the Bush tax cuts permanent. This is the guy who twice voted to kill them in the first place. He voted against them before voting to save them. Calling John Kerry; your long-lost twin has been found.
Willard Romney -- that's his real name, Willard, and I plan to use it over and over and over during this campaign, in the spirit of truth telling -- either talks too fast or just strings economic-sounding words together and thinks he can get away with it.
Mike Huckabee, if I heard right, wants to make a bunch of concrete and not let the Chinese have any. Look, in a state where chickens, pigs, outhouses, and do-it-yourself moonshine stills are the top commodities, maybe his anti-China concrete plan would work wonders. Something tells me one of us missed the point.
Ron Paul, who yells and whines as much as your boy Chris Matthews over there, wants to load up Fort Knox with gold and stop printing crisp new bills. Did that make sense to y'all?
NBC PANEL: (in unison) NO!
BC: Alright. It seems like there was one other guy up there.
Andrea Mitchell: Former New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani.
BC: That's him. I gotta be honest with you folks and the American people. He started talking about how New York City was a great bargain and we need to be more like France and England, and I shifted my attention to that Florida Atlantic co-ed with the long brown hair sitting on row six, about three seats from the end by the wall.
DAVID GREGORY: Yeah! The one in the lavender blouse?
BC: No. This one had sort of a light purple top on. Man. Smoking.
TB: Now that you've critiqued your opponents' plans, what policies would you undertake to stave off a recession, greater homeowner fear in the midst of this sub-prime mortgage lending crisis, and would you favor a long-term supply side plan or a short term stimulus package in an effort to ensure that the American people have faith ...
BC: My word! How did your long-winded ass ever finish the nightly news in 30 minutes?
TB: With commercials, it was only 23 minutes. Reporters in the field would usually waste another eight. I used to cry myself to sleep every night.
BC: Anyway, a barnyard donkey knows that more and better jobs are good, fewer and crappier jobs are bad. But that misses the point.
We need jobs that people want. Really want. The rest will take care of itself.
AM: What does that mean?
JOE SCARBOROUGH: I think I get it.
BC: Thanks Joe. Did you remember to bring me Mika's cell number.
JS: Yeah, it's in the truck.
BC: Think of it this way. Now, I'm just guessing here, but I suspect you fine folks like spending long hours talking in front of a teevee camera. Am I right?
PANEL: (in unison, panelists make various orgasm-sounding noises)
BC: But some people like fixing lawmowers.
DG: Fixing what?
TB: It's a relatively common machine, generally gasoline-powered, that is maneuvered over various types of grasses to ensure an orderly, even, generally relatively short level of grass that is aesthetically pleasing, a device I personally witnessed during one of my Emmy Award Winning Heartland of American documentaries I hosted as anchor ...
BC: Tom.
TB: Sorry.
BC: So we ensure that they're plenty of lawnmower repair shops.
And Chris Matthews. I bet you enjoy regaling total strangers with loud, rambling stories about your days in Tip O'Neill's office and maybe casually dropping a few names while they pick up the check at a 5-star steakhouse.
CM: HA! Do I ever! It happened to me in upstate New York one night when this insurance agents convention featured me as their master of ceremonies ...
BC: And that fellow over there, the dude running the sound board, I bet you'd rather be producing records for the hottest rock band instead of pushing a few knobs for these blowhards.
SOUND DUDE: Anything to get me outta here. But I'm more into blues and zydeco.
BC: In a Billy Clyde administration, that dream job is yours.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a grueling four days of campaigning ahead of me. Thanks for having me over.
BW: Since this is your first official day in the race, don't you think our viewers and the voters deserve to know a little more about your positions on the specific issues before you head out.
BC: Like what? And make it snappy.
BW: For instance national defense, Social Security, Iraq, global warming, abortion, and today's Congressional action to send out 150 million checks to stimulate the economy.
BC: For a strong one; give it to old people; yes, I rock; good in winter, bad in summer; mandatory; not worth it -- too much postage and too much toner.
Thanks, I really need to scoot.
JS: Where are you off to first?
BC: Full day tomorrow in Key West. Full day Saturday in Key Largo. All day Sunday on South Beach to press the flesh. Golf fundraiser and barbecue at Tiger Woods' gated community on Monday. Acceptance speech on Tuesday in Tallahassee.
Billy Clyde: Dude, do I get to talk? Why do you guys get eight minutes to ask questions and the people actually running get 15 seconds?
TB: Fair enough. The obvious question that has perplexed our viewers, and certainly one that those of us in the media have pondered at considerable ...
BC: What?!
TB: Okay, since you learned that you qualified for the ballot this afternoon, why didn't you join your fellow contestants on stage?
BC: Three reasons. You guys been reporting all week that I didn't get me enough signatures. Two ...
TB: Let's concentrate on that puzzle first. Have you solved the mystery of how the Secretary of State, who expressed not only to those who hosted this historic event here at the tradition-rich ...
BC: Why don't you just interview yourself?
TB: What happened?
BC: Seems like just an honest mistake. This lady, I think her name is Linda, forget to carry the one when she added the five and the other five in the final column. She personally called to say she was sorry.
Chris Matthews: HA! That reminds me of the 1976 primary when I was monitoring the Philly suburbs for the Carter campaign, and a box came in that ...
BC: Is your mic not working? Stop yelling at me.
TB: Please continue, Billy Clyde. We'll give you all the time you need. And Chris, we've been over this before. Please stop yelling.
BC: Alright, like I was trying to tell you. Since Linda made a math error and y'all reported as fact all week that I was toast, I didn't pack a suit. Plus that producer weenie said they were out of podiums.
Brian Williams: The focus of previous debates has been foreign policy and national security. Tonight it shifted to the economy and taxes. Assuming the math error had been corrected sooner, you had packed a suit, and there was a spare podium, how would you have responded?
BC: I would turned my head to the right, then turned it to the left -- unless I got stuck at the far end, then I woulda only needed to turn my head one way -- and told my worthy opponents that those are the dumbest ideas I've ever heard in my life. Just pure, 100-percent, unadulterated crapola.
BW: Care to critique their remarks and compare them to yours?
BC: Sure would.
McCain said about ten times he wanted to make the Bush tax cuts permanent. This is the guy who twice voted to kill them in the first place. He voted against them before voting to save them. Calling John Kerry; your long-lost twin has been found.
Willard Romney -- that's his real name, Willard, and I plan to use it over and over and over during this campaign, in the spirit of truth telling -- either talks too fast or just strings economic-sounding words together and thinks he can get away with it.
Mike Huckabee, if I heard right, wants to make a bunch of concrete and not let the Chinese have any. Look, in a state where chickens, pigs, outhouses, and do-it-yourself moonshine stills are the top commodities, maybe his anti-China concrete plan would work wonders. Something tells me one of us missed the point.
Ron Paul, who yells and whines as much as your boy Chris Matthews over there, wants to load up Fort Knox with gold and stop printing crisp new bills. Did that make sense to y'all?
NBC PANEL: (in unison) NO!
BC: Alright. It seems like there was one other guy up there.
Andrea Mitchell: Former New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani.
BC: That's him. I gotta be honest with you folks and the American people. He started talking about how New York City was a great bargain and we need to be more like France and England, and I shifted my attention to that Florida Atlantic co-ed with the long brown hair sitting on row six, about three seats from the end by the wall.
DAVID GREGORY: Yeah! The one in the lavender blouse?
BC: No. This one had sort of a light purple top on. Man. Smoking.
TB: Now that you've critiqued your opponents' plans, what policies would you undertake to stave off a recession, greater homeowner fear in the midst of this sub-prime mortgage lending crisis, and would you favor a long-term supply side plan or a short term stimulus package in an effort to ensure that the American people have faith ...
BC: My word! How did your long-winded ass ever finish the nightly news in 30 minutes?
TB: With commercials, it was only 23 minutes. Reporters in the field would usually waste another eight. I used to cry myself to sleep every night.
BC: Anyway, a barnyard donkey knows that more and better jobs are good, fewer and crappier jobs are bad. But that misses the point.
We need jobs that people want. Really want. The rest will take care of itself.
AM: What does that mean?
JOE SCARBOROUGH: I think I get it.
BC: Thanks Joe. Did you remember to bring me Mika's cell number.
JS: Yeah, it's in the truck.
BC: Think of it this way. Now, I'm just guessing here, but I suspect you fine folks like spending long hours talking in front of a teevee camera. Am I right?
PANEL: (in unison, panelists make various orgasm-sounding noises)
BC: But some people like fixing lawmowers.
DG: Fixing what?
TB: It's a relatively common machine, generally gasoline-powered, that is maneuvered over various types of grasses to ensure an orderly, even, generally relatively short level of grass that is aesthetically pleasing, a device I personally witnessed during one of my Emmy Award Winning Heartland of American documentaries I hosted as anchor ...
BC: Tom.
TB: Sorry.
BC: So we ensure that they're plenty of lawnmower repair shops.
And Chris Matthews. I bet you enjoy regaling total strangers with loud, rambling stories about your days in Tip O'Neill's office and maybe casually dropping a few names while they pick up the check at a 5-star steakhouse.
CM: HA! Do I ever! It happened to me in upstate New York one night when this insurance agents convention featured me as their master of ceremonies ...
BC: And that fellow over there, the dude running the sound board, I bet you'd rather be producing records for the hottest rock band instead of pushing a few knobs for these blowhards.
SOUND DUDE: Anything to get me outta here. But I'm more into blues and zydeco.
BC: In a Billy Clyde administration, that dream job is yours.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a grueling four days of campaigning ahead of me. Thanks for having me over.
BW: Since this is your first official day in the race, don't you think our viewers and the voters deserve to know a little more about your positions on the specific issues before you head out.
BC: Like what? And make it snappy.
BW: For instance national defense, Social Security, Iraq, global warming, abortion, and today's Congressional action to send out 150 million checks to stimulate the economy.
BC: For a strong one; give it to old people; yes, I rock; good in winter, bad in summer; mandatory; not worth it -- too much postage and too much toner.
Thanks, I really need to scoot.
JS: Where are you off to first?
BC: Full day tomorrow in Key West. Full day Saturday in Key Largo. All day Sunday on South Beach to press the flesh. Golf fundraiser and barbecue at Tiger Woods' gated community on Monday. Acceptance speech on Tuesday in Tallahassee.
Our Florida campaign motto is: Going to Work Like Fred Thompson on Meth.
See ya.
1 comment:
OMG! Scarlett Johansson just dumped Obama for you! You da man!
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